Lions and Tigers and Bears, Oh My!!

Lions and Tigers and Bears, Oh My!!
(Staying out of the “woods” and leaning into validation, empathy, and connection)

When communication goes wrong, it can feel overwhelming, disconnecting, frustrating, and sad. I see this often in couples who know each other well and quickly leap to negative assumptions about the other’s intent. They have lived experiences of where their partner has both failed and succeeded in the relationship. Often, the moments of perceived success feel fewer than the moments of perceived negativity.

Couples are able to point out flaws, difficult conversations, and times when empathy was not expressed or shared. I refer to these moments as being in the woods.

When a couple is in the woods, I encourage them to reflect on a few questions: Are they doing their best to stay out of conflict? What is being left out of the conversation that could help resolve it? Are they willing to resolve the conflict in order to keep the “we” intact? Most couples become curious about the “we” and, through that curiosity, become more willing to practice tools for repair.

First (the Lion), I ask: Are you communicating about the intended topic? Most of the time, when couples find themselves in the woods, they are not. Instead, the conversation is often rooted in old feelings of resentment, usually tied to unmet attachment needs. These needs may sound like: You don’t value me. You don’t hear me. I don’t feel loved by you. You don’t understand me. I’m not sure I know who you are.

These are valid concerns, and many people carry them for years before expressing them.

Another common issue is dichotomous thinking—viewing the conflict as you versus me. This singular thinking prioritizes individual needs over relational needs. Being in a committed relationship requires care, compassion, thoughtfulness, and sometimes sacrifice. However, sacrifice should not feel like being dragged into a decision you don’t want to make. When sacrifice is connected to the betterment of the “we,” it should feel worth it.

As defined: “Sacrifice – an act of giving up something valued for the sake of something else regarded as more important or worthy.”
AI nailed this one.

This is the Tiger. Dichotomous thinking separates couples. Continually choosing the self sends a message—often unintentionally—that the other partner, and the relationship, are less important or not worth the sacrifice. Our culture often encourages the idea that if something makes you happy, you should say it, do it, and live it. While happiness matters, this value does not always account for the expectations of a committed relationship, where kindness, compassion, thoughtfulness, and care are essential.

Choosing personal happiness at the expense of the relationship will eventually decrease connection. Should you be happy? Yes. Should you also be kind, caring, compassionate, and thoughtful? Yes.

The relationship should bring joy, which is deeper than happiness. The goal must be bigger than the self and connected to something greater. This requires validating one another’s experiences and becoming aware of your own emotions so you can attune to your partner’s emotions. This awareness lessens emotional intensity, supports self-regulation, and allows for co-regulation—making compromise possible.

This is the Bear. The Gottman’s refer to this as negative sentiment override (NSO). NSO is a relational pattern in which negative feelings and past distorted experiences shape how current behaviors are interpreted. Even positive actions are perceived negatively, creating a cycle that makes it difficult to access positive perceptions of the partner and the relationship.

To move out of NSO, both partners must recognize the pattern and develop self-awareness with positive intentionality. This includes openness to influence and a willingness to move away from judgment. Trust can be rebuilt when partners intentionally highlight positive intent while continuing to show up authentically and consistently.

Slowing communication—pausing, reflecting, and assigning positive rather than negative intent—makes validation and empathy more accessible. Over time, the sting of poor communication lessens, and the desire for connection grows.

Staying out of the woods must be intentional as you navigate your intimate relationship.  This can feel challenging at times, but it’s also rewarding.

Boundaries Are All About You

Boundaries Are All About You

I was raised with four sisters. We did everything together — including being punished together. I was closest to my sister, who is one year younger than me. To this day, my mother doesn’t know how much we covered for one another. We shared the same friends, the same school schedule, the same clothes, slept in the same bed, and rotated household chores. She would wear her hair in two pigtails, and I would, too. We’d wear our hair down only to see whose hair was the longest (hers was always longer than mine). She was my “road-dog,” and I was hers. We’d take long walks with our friends and talk about everything under the sun. We got into our fair share of mischief together.

This is how I was taught to share my time, my self, and to feel safe in a relationship.

As I grew up, I realized not everyone experiences relationships this way. There are ways to determine if people are emotionally safe, and it’s not as simple as what my sister and I had. We sometimes disappointed one another, but we always knew we’d be there for each other. We’d apologize and move on with our day. As we got older, our closeness faded as life and family responsibilities took over.

Over time, I learned that boundaries are where you end and the other person begins. I’ve also learned that very few relationships can remain emotionally safe without clear boundaries. Relationships can be complicated, messy, disappointing, and even hurtful. Deciding whether a relationship is worth saving can also be complicated.

If every relationship ends the moment we’re hurt, we miss sacred opportunities for repair — moments that can deepen our connections and help us grow. But if we move forward in a relationship after being hurt without establishing boundaries, there’s a good chance the dynamics won’t change — setting us up for more pain.

The only way to move forward after hurt, disappointment, or betrayal is to first assess whether the relationship holds qualities that make it worth saving. If you decide it is, understand that it may not feel the same. The relationship will need to be redefined around what makes you feel safe and comfortable. What once felt easy may now take more effort, and there may be tension or uncertainty. The emotional tone of the relationship will likely shift.

I’ve often wondered why it’s so hard for some people to set boundaries. I believe it’s because, as humans, we fear disconnection. We are wired for connection — both vertically and horizontally.

Even the earth has boundaries: the sun, the sky, the moon, the ocean, the sand, the land. Each has a limit so the other can begin. As they dwell in their rightful places, they create something breathtaking — a masterful landscape. The sky doesn’t say, “I’m afraid the ocean will take over,” and the ocean doesn’t say, “I’m afraid the sand will leave me out.” Each element exists harmoniously, with no intrusive crossing of the other. The beauty lies in where one stops and the other begins.

Setting personal boundaries, however, is rarely as effortless as the sea meeting the sky. People often struggle to express what they need or what makes them comfortable. Many have already stretched themselves beyond their healthy capacity. Finding the language to state a boundary — and to follow it with a consequence or request — can be difficult.

Here’s a process to help you start:

1. Write out what the boundary is.
   Example: When I feel unheard in this relationship, I will let you know. I request that you slow down and listen. If that doesn’t happen, I’ll end the conversation and ask that we revisit it when you’re ready to listen.
   This statement includes the boundary, a request, and a consequence.

2. Remember, the purpose of a boundary is not to fix the other person, but to ensure you’re treated the way you deserve.

3. Boundaries help you avoid repeating unhealthy relationship patterns.

4. Boundaries build a bridge of safety, not a wall of disconnection.

5. Boundaries allow you to be authentic about who you are.

6. Boundaries give you a plan for handling unhealthy behavior you didn’t create.

Boundaries — we need them for good, safe, healthy relationships. Let’s get busy practicing them.

The F Word and Other Difficult Steps in Recovering from Betrayal Trauma

The F Word and Other Difficult Steps in Recovering from Betrayal Trauma

“Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future.”
— Paul Boose

When it comes to the “F Word,” most of us have heard the same phrases repeated over and over:

1.     If you have forgiven, you have forgotten.

2.     If you don’t forgive, you can’t be forgiven.

3.     You are a broken person if you don’t forgive.

4.     If you love, you will forgive.

5.     Forgiving means you trust again.

6.     Forgiving means you never bring it up again.

7.     Forgiving means things go back to the way they were.

8.     Forgiving isn’t necessary when you’ve been deeply hurt.

9.     Forgiveness only happens when you are willing to let go of the hurt.

10.   Forgiveness is simply deciding not to hold a grudge.

I could go on. Yes—the “F Word” I’m talking about is Forgiveness.

Forgiveness and Betrayal Trauma

One of the most common questions I hear—sometimes in the first session, near the last—is: What role does forgiveness play in healing from betrayal trauma?

Most betrayed partners long to be free from the heavy weight of anger, sadness, and intrusive thoughts. They want their lives, minds, and bodies to move forward. But the process of forgiveness is rarely quick or simple.

The REACH Model of Forgiveness

Everett Worthington’s REACH model outlines five steps:

1.     Recall the hurt.

2.     Empathize with the offender.

3.     Give the Altruistic gift of forgiveness.

4.     Commit to forgive.

5.     Hold on to that commitment, even during doubt.

One of the strengths of this model is the acknowledgment that emotions don’t always follow immediately after the decision to forgive. You might choose to forgive and still wake up feeling hurt the next day. The commitment to forgive is a process, allowing your emotions to gradually align with your decision.

This helps avoid what I call “cheap forgiveness”—rushing into forgiveness just to escape pain, live in denial, or out of a sense of spiritual guilt.

Timing Matters

You cannot truly begin the work of forgiveness until you fully understand the hurt and the damage caused. This means examining the betrayal’s impact through a formal disclosure process or by telling your narrative of how it has affected every area of your life.

This is not a quick task. As you reflect, you may uncover both primary and secondary losses, shifts in your values, and changes in how you view relationships. There is no time clock—you move at your own pace, at the capacity your emotions can handle.

The Challenge of Empathy

Empathizing with the person who betrayed you can take years, even a lifetime. Over time, many come to see that the betrayal was not truly about them, but about the brokenness, poor choices, and unhealed wounds of the other person.

Hearing about their life—if possible—can be helpful, but it is not always necessary. Understanding that we all have stories we wish were different can be part of the humanizing process, if and when you are ready.

Forgiveness and Your Body

Forgiveness is also a gift to your body. As stewards of our health, we must understand how holding on to grudges, bitterness, and resentment can harm us.

Research from Dr. Karen Swartz at Johns Hopkins shows that chronic anger activates the body’s fight-or-flight mode, raising heart rate and blood pressure, lowering immune function, and increasing risks for depression, heart disease, and diabetes. Forgiveness, on the other hand, calms the stress response and supports overall health.

In other words, forgiving can be an act of self-care and physical healing.

Commitment and Repeated Hurt

Making a commitment to forgive—and holding onto it—is especially challenging when betrayal happens repeatedly. In these cases, I encourage slowing down the process and doing an emotional inventory of the additional harm.

Rebuilding trust may feel impossible, and you may question both the character of the betrayer and your own identity for staying in the relationship. Whether you choose to leave or stay, forgiveness remains about you, not the person who hurt you.

The Freedom in Forgiveness

That’s why “The F Word” is so difficult—it transforms you. It releases you from one of the most devastating chapters of your life and opens the door to peace, freedom, and your best self.

You deserve to be free. You deserve to be healthy. You deserve peace.

https://youtu.be/h43w2ifIxjw?si=cKBMQYfW_edEl__E

THE COST OF HEALING

THE COUPLE AND FAMILY CLINIC

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(224) 513-5628

THE COST OF HEALING

“Grief will cause your hopes to be handcuffed.”

Rev. Dr. Freddie Haynes

Our culture does not offer us robust rituals for passage. We are often left to navigate transitions alone, without guidance or ceremony to mark the thresholds of our lives. But what is true—what is deeply human—is that passage is transition. It is the movement from what was into what will be. Yet, it is not merely a shift from past to future—it is a movement through the present, a space that is neither here nor there.

This in-between, this moment of now, often holds pain, sorrow, regret, and chaos. It is the space of grief.

Grief is not the past; it is not the future. It is like midnight—neither yesterday nor tomorrow, but simply the moment between. Midnight does not belong to the day before, and it does not yet carry the shape of the day to come. It is a moment of pause, of silence, of potential.

So, too, is grief. It is the sacred pause between what was and what is becoming.

In grief, we begin the journey of transition. And the first step in the new day—after the stillness of midnight—is to make meaning. To name what has been lost. To recognize what has changed. To hold space for what was never said. And to ask ourselves: What is my response to this loss?

Meaning does not arise from forgetting. It grows from the soil of remembrance, of reflection, of choosing how we will live in light of what has changed. Only then can we take the next steps forward—steps that lead us not just into the future, but into a life reshaped by love, loss, and meaning.

As you navigate loss, you will identify what can be reshaped by love and apply meaning.  You will review what can’t be reclaim and mourn that loss.  With each identified loss, you will notice that you have a choice, to hold space for what was never said, or to reshape the loss by learning and loving and then apply meaning.  (The Cost of Healing, Dr. Peonita Harris).

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