“The reality is that you will grieve forever … You will be whole again, but you will never be the same.” (Elisabeth Kubler-Ross)
Saying goodbye after a major loss is difficult and is not only a single event, but a long series of small, painful realizations. The letting go of a person, a shared future, hope, dreams, and a version of yourself. The word “Goodbye” famously originated in the 16th century as a contraction of the phrase “God be with you.”
Small experiences can bring back a memory that was once shared with joy and love. In the moment of the re-occurring memory, it can feel the opposite of God being with you.
Here are the different types of goodbyes experienced during grief:
The Physical Goodbye
The final moment: The actual passing or the funeral service.
The environment: Packing up their clothes and personal belongings.
The home: Leaving a space that you shared.
The Everyday Goodbyes
The routine: Stopping yourself from calling them with daily news.
The empty chair: Facing the dinner table or living room without them.
The habits: No longer buying their favorite groceries. Streaming your favorite show without them.
The Goodbyes to the Future
The milestones: Missing them at weddings, graduations, or birthdays.
The unwritten plans: Letting go of retirement dreams or trips.
The shared timeline: Moving into a future they will never see, or experience.
The Internal Goodbye
The old self: Mourning the person you were when they were alive.
The shared identity: Adjusting to being a "me" instead of an "us."
The memory fade: Fearing the loss of the sound of their voice.
Grief does not follow a straight line, and these goodbyes often happen out of order. There is no ideal time to grieve. My prayer is that when grief happens, emotional space is made to sit and reflect on feelings, needs, and memories.
The moments of grief will shift over time in the following ways:
The Waves lose the Element of Surprise
The ambush: Early on, grief strikes without warning, knocking you off balance completely.
The anticipation: Over time, you begin to recognize the emotional triggers before they hit because the feelings are familiar.
The accommodation: You learn to brace yourself, ride out the wave safely, and make space to process the emotion.
The Waves Become Predictable in Length
The endless tunnel: In the beginning, a single moment of grief feels like a permanent state, but it does pass.
The defined wave: Eventually, you realize the intense pain lasts for minutes or hours, not forever.
The return to shore: You learn to trust that the crash will subside and calm will return.
The Waves Shift from Pain to Reflection
The sharp edge: Early moments are defined by shock, rage, and agonizing confusion.
The dull ache: Later moments give way to sadness, longing, and a quiet acceptance of what was.
The integration: The memory and the betrayal stop fighting for control of your mind.
The Waves Create Emotional Resilience
The shattering: Each early wave feels like it will break you permanently.
The stretching: Each surviving wave proves you can hold immense pain and still survive.
The rebuilding: You slowly expand your capacity to experience joy alongside the grief.
If you are experiencing a wave of grief, try these regulation skills:
These emotional regulation skills are not meant to cure the grief, but to act as a release valve so the intensity doesn't overwhelm your nervous system.
Somatic & Grounding Skills (For Shock and Panic)
The 5-4-3-2-1 Method: Name 5 things you see, 4 you can touch, 3 you hear, 2 you smell, and 1 you taste to pull your brain out of the past and into the room.
Temperature Shift: Splash cold water on your face or hold an ice cube in your hand. This triggers the mammalian dive reflex, instantly slowing down a racing heart.
The Physiological Sigh: Take two quick inhales through the nose (one deep, followed immediately by a sharp top-off inhale), then a long, slow exhale through the mouth. Repeat three times to calm the nervous system.
Sensory Deprivation: Turn off the lights, use earplugs, and minimize external stimuli for 30 minutes. Grief processes heavy cognitive loads; your brain needs rest from processing the outside world.
Weighted Pressure: Lie on the floor with a weighted blanket or a heavy pillow on your chest. Deep pressure therapy reduces autonomic arousal.
Titration: Permit yourself to feel the grief intensely for 10 minutes, and then actively force a distraction (like a mindless television show or a mobile game) for 20 minutes. Moving back and forth prevents emotional flooding.
Grieving never ends, but each moment of grief eventually changes its shape. While the loss itself is permanent, the intense, suffocating pain of each wave will eventually peak, recede, and give you room to breathe again. Breathe in joy, Breathe in strength, Breathe in Hope. God is with you!
