The F Word and Other Difficult Steps in Recovering from Betrayal Trauma

The F Word and Other Difficult Steps in Recovering from Betrayal Trauma

“Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future.”
— Paul Boose

When it comes to the “F Word,” most of us have heard the same phrases repeated over and over:

1.     If you have forgiven, you have forgotten.

2.     If you don’t forgive, you can’t be forgiven.

3.     You are a broken person if you don’t forgive.

4.     If you love, you will forgive.

5.     Forgiving means you trust again.

6.     Forgiving means you never bring it up again.

7.     Forgiving means things go back to the way they were.

8.     Forgiving isn’t necessary when you’ve been deeply hurt.

9.     Forgiveness only happens when you are willing to let go of the hurt.

10.   Forgiveness is simply deciding not to hold a grudge.

I could go on. Yes—the “F Word” I’m talking about is Forgiveness.

Forgiveness and Betrayal Trauma

One of the most common questions I hear—sometimes in the first session, near the last—is: What role does forgiveness play in healing from betrayal trauma?

Most betrayed partners long to be free from the heavy weight of anger, sadness, and intrusive thoughts. They want their lives, minds, and bodies to move forward. But the process of forgiveness is rarely quick or simple.

The REACH Model of Forgiveness

Everett Worthington’s REACH model outlines five steps:

1.     Recall the hurt.

2.     Empathize with the offender.

3.     Give the Altruistic gift of forgiveness.

4.     Commit to forgive.

5.     Hold on to that commitment, even during doubt.

One of the strengths of this model is the acknowledgment that emotions don’t always follow immediately after the decision to forgive. You might choose to forgive and still wake up feeling hurt the next day. The commitment to forgive is a process, allowing your emotions to gradually align with your decision.

This helps avoid what I call “cheap forgiveness”—rushing into forgiveness just to escape pain, live in denial, or out of a sense of spiritual guilt.

Timing Matters

You cannot truly begin the work of forgiveness until you fully understand the hurt and the damage caused. This means examining the betrayal’s impact through a formal disclosure process or by telling your narrative of how it has affected every area of your life.

This is not a quick task. As you reflect, you may uncover both primary and secondary losses, shifts in your values, and changes in how you view relationships. There is no time clock—you move at your own pace, at the capacity your emotions can handle.

The Challenge of Empathy

Empathizing with the person who betrayed you can take years, even a lifetime. Over time, many come to see that the betrayal was not truly about them, but about the brokenness, poor choices, and unhealed wounds of the other person.

Hearing about their life—if possible—can be helpful, but it is not always necessary. Understanding that we all have stories we wish were different can be part of the humanizing process, if and when you are ready.

Forgiveness and Your Body

Forgiveness is also a gift to your body. As stewards of our health, we must understand how holding on to grudges, bitterness, and resentment can harm us.

Research from Dr. Karen Swartz at Johns Hopkins shows that chronic anger activates the body’s fight-or-flight mode, raising heart rate and blood pressure, lowering immune function, and increasing risks for depression, heart disease, and diabetes. Forgiveness, on the other hand, calms the stress response and supports overall health.

In other words, forgiving can be an act of self-care and physical healing.

Commitment and Repeated Hurt

Making a commitment to forgive—and holding onto it—is especially challenging when betrayal happens repeatedly. In these cases, I encourage slowing down the process and doing an emotional inventory of the additional harm.

Rebuilding trust may feel impossible, and you may question both the character of the betrayer and your own identity for staying in the relationship. Whether you choose to leave or stay, forgiveness remains about you, not the person who hurt you.

The Freedom in Forgiveness

That’s why “The F Word” is so difficult—it transforms you. It releases you from one of the most devastating chapters of your life and opens the door to peace, freedom, and your best self.

You deserve to be free. You deserve to be healthy. You deserve peace.

https://youtu.be/h43w2ifIxjw?si=cKBMQYfW_edEl__E

THE COST OF HEALING

THE COUPLE AND FAMILY CLINIC

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THE COST OF HEALING

“Grief will cause your hopes to be handcuffed.”

Rev. Dr. Freddie Haynes

Our culture does not offer us robust rituals for passage. We are often left to navigate transitions alone, without guidance or ceremony to mark the thresholds of our lives. But what is true—what is deeply human—is that passage is transition. It is the movement from what was into what will be. Yet, it is not merely a shift from past to future—it is a movement through the present, a space that is neither here nor there.

This in-between, this moment of now, often holds pain, sorrow, regret, and chaos. It is the space of grief.

Grief is not the past; it is not the future. It is like midnight—neither yesterday nor tomorrow, but simply the moment between. Midnight does not belong to the day before, and it does not yet carry the shape of the day to come. It is a moment of pause, of silence, of potential.

So, too, is grief. It is the sacred pause between what was and what is becoming.

In grief, we begin the journey of transition. And the first step in the new day—after the stillness of midnight—is to make meaning. To name what has been lost. To recognize what has changed. To hold space for what was never said. And to ask ourselves: What is my response to this loss?

Meaning does not arise from forgetting. It grows from the soil of remembrance, of reflection, of choosing how we will live in light of what has changed. Only then can we take the next steps forward—steps that lead us not just into the future, but into a life reshaped by love, loss, and meaning.

As you navigate loss, you will identify what can be reshaped by love and apply meaning.  You will review what can’t be reclaim and mourn that loss.  With each identified loss, you will notice that you have a choice, to hold space for what was never said, or to reshape the loss by learning and loving and then apply meaning.  (The Cost of Healing, Dr. Peonita Harris).

Recommended Reading for Healthy Sexuality

Why Moral Injury Is Important to Address in Recovery from Affairs/Betrayal

In consulting ChatGPT, Moral injury refers to the psychological, emotional, and spiritual distress that occurs when a person believes they have violated their moral code or witnessed actions that conflict with their ethical values. This concept is commonly associated with military personnel, healthcare workers, and others in high-stress professions who face situations where they must make difficult decisions that conflict with their sense of right and wrong. (AI definition)

Moral injury is different from post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), though the two often overlap. PTSD is usually associated with physical or psychological trauma, such as combat exposure or a violent event, while moral injury is rooted in the violation of moral beliefs, often leading to feelings of guilt, shame, and betrayal of the self.

In light of the psychological, emotional, attachment, and sexual injuries of traumatic betrayal, Moral Injury can also be a phase for recovery.  There are occasions when the betrayer’s feelings of shame and guilt are connected with the act of betrayal they have caused that violated their values and spiritual beliefs, as well as the pain they see in their hurting partner.

Key Aspects of Moral Injury:

1. Violation of Moral Beliefs: Moral injury typically involves an individual either acting in a way that contradicts their values or witnessing others (e.g., leaders, peers, or institutions) do so.

2. Moral Dissonance: The emotional and psychological conflict arises because individuals feel they have done something wrong or failed to act in alignment with their values, often leading to a deep sense of inner turmoil.

3. Impact on Identity: Moral injury can significantly affect a person's sense of self, leading to a loss of trust in oneself and others. It can also challenge one's worldview and belief in the inherent goodness of people or institutions.

4. Emotional Consequences: Individuals suffering from moral injury may experience feelings of guilt, shame, anger, anxiety, sadness, and a sense of hopelessness. It can lead to emotional numbing or a desire to withdraw from social relationships.

5. Social and Spiritual Effects: The effects of moral injury are not just personal but can extend to relationships with others, including a sense of betrayal or loss of trust in institutions. For some, moral injury can challenge or disrupt their spiritual beliefs.

6. Low Mood – The impact of processing the disappointment of the self in connection with poor decision-making can initiate a course of negative distortion of the self and low feelings surrounding self-concept.

7. Heightened Anxiety – The inability to regulate as the self-distortion and negative ruminating thinking about self continues to be present, anxiety can present as speaking fast, feeling edgy, contradicting oneself and being flooded with emotions.

8. Identity Confusion – Because Moral Injury challenges the person to review their values and behaviors, the thoughts of “who am I”; “I wasn’t raised to hurt others”: “Does this mean that I am a bad person, or did I do something bad” continues to be at the heart of the feelings of profound shame.

Healing and Treatment:

The treatment of Moral Injury often requires a specific multi-dynamic approach that may include:

1. Therapy: Trauma-focused therapy, a narrative approach, and EMDR.  Narrative Therapy can help individuals process their emotions, reconcile their actions with their values, and rebuild a sense of moral clarity.

2. Emotional Focus Therapy:  Addressing the lack of language for the emotion in the room and finding alliance with the person’s values or between the couple’s values to begin the healing in the core attachment.

3. Carnes 30 Task Model:  Addresses the systemic, behavioral, and cognitive approach to reducing unwanted and compulsive sexual behaviors that cause betrayal in intimate relationships. 

4. Peer Support: Group therapy or support groups, where individuals share their experiences of moral injury and find solidarity with others who understand their pain, can be deeply healing.

5. Spiritual or Religious Support: For some, reconnecting with spiritual practices or a religious community can help them restore their sense of meaning, forgiveness, and reconciliation with their spiritual values.

6. Forgiveness and Self-Compassion: Learning to forgive oneself and, where appropriate, others is a crucial aspect of healing. Practices focused on self-compassion and acceptance of one's humanity, including mindfulness, can be helpful.

7. A psychodynamic approach is one where you look at underlining the unconscious meaning of the person’s behaviors and thoughts, as well as how their lived experience and family of origin connect.

Conclusion:

Moral injury is a profound personal psychological injury that can impact one’s sense of self, relationships, self-esteem, confidence, and overall well-being of how they present in relationships and the process at which they embrace healing.  Addressing Moral Injury related to betrayal in a relationship is critical to assist the person as they advance in the healing process.   

Self-Care After Betrayal

Self-Care After Betrayal

I have heard the saying, “Self-care is more than a mani and pedi.”  There is much to be said about how you feel after being pampered.  You feel calm, grounded, serene, loved, noticed, feminine, light, and acutely aware of your wonderful experience.  I love massages, mani and pedi, sitting on my wonderful patio, cutting flowers from my garden, looking up at the moon (the sun is not my favorite unless I’m on the beach walking in the sand ), shampooing my hair, the scent of my favorite body moisturizer as I put it on.  These are moments that give me joy and make my soul smile.

On the other hand, if you have experienced betrayal, self-care can feel very far away.  Holding raw emotions of loss, grief, sadness, disappointment, confusion, devastation, brokenness, rejection, loss of joy, and I can go on and on…  Betrayal leaves your heart broken in many pieces and joy seems very far away.  Self-care is the last thing on your mind.  How do you do self-care in the middle of feeling so much pain? 

I was once in Hawaii and walked on a path along the ocean every morning.  It was wonderful and refreshing.  On my third morning, I noticed there was a group of swans in the pond by the resort.  The first morning, there were only two swans, and then by the 3rd morning, there were three swans.  I stopped walking and gave attention (at a distance) to how the swans moved.  I was hoping to determine if they were a family of swans.  I noticed that the swan in the middle was floating along and had one leg up on its body while the other two swans circled the one in the middle.  I instantly knew the swans on the outside were protecting the middle swan as the middle swan was being cared for physical discomfort.  The swan in the middle continued to rest with one leg resting on its body.  By then, another walker had gathered with me, and we had a conversation about how protective the other two swans were of the one in the middle who needed care.  Still, the one who needed care took the time to give himself care. 

I pull in this experience because it takes time and awareness and other safe people around you to heal from betrayal as you do self-care.  Here are the points to consider for self-care after betrayal.

First, find a supportive therapist.  Find a therapist who knows the steps to recovery from betrayal.  Someone who has been trained in EFT is a CSAT and someone who understands loss, grieve and trauma and knows the difference between differentiation, enmeshment, and individualism, so the one who has been betrayed is not taking responsibility for the behaviors of the one who acted out the betraying.

Secondly, change your eating habits.  It is so important that when your body is holding raw emotions, you are attentive to how each part of your body feels.  Waking up every morning and doing a body scan (a body scan is noticing each part of your body and how you might be feeling), and journaling what you are feeling.  Remove all processed foods, drink plenty of water, and notice the difference between hunger and the heaviness of how emotions will rest in your body and cause discomfort. 

Third, do not be afraid to sit in difficult emotions and become curious about why the emotion is there.  Engage deep breathing, creating a calm place (a place that brings you calm feelings.  You may have been there before or it can be imaginary).  Do stretching often throughout the day.

Fourth, engage a safe circle of people to help you heal.  They do not have to know all the details of your journey or pain, but they should be trusted, reliable individuals who can support you with empathy and love.

Pray or meditate.  There is something about having a spiritual connection every day and always, but it is more noticeable and important during times of uncertainty and trouble.  Pray or meditate for clarity, direction, healing, guidance, and joy.  Remember, there are very few moments when you have to decide what to do next after a discovery or disclosure of betrayal.  Gift yourself time to heal and to feel whole again.  There is an ending to the acute pain.  You will enjoy a mani Pedi again and a massage.  You will enjoy the sun again.  You will feel joy again.  Hang in there!!