Boundaries Are All About You

Boundaries Are All About You

I was raised with four sisters. We did everything together — including being punished together. I was closest to my sister, who is one year younger than me. To this day, my mother doesn’t know how much we covered for one another. We shared the same friends, the same school schedule, the same clothes, slept in the same bed, and rotated household chores. She would wear her hair in two pigtails, and I would, too. We’d wear our hair down only to see whose hair was the longest (hers was always longer than mine). She was my “road-dog,” and I was hers. We’d take long walks with our friends and talk about everything under the sun. We got into our fair share of mischief together.

This is how I was taught to share my time, my self, and to feel safe in a relationship.

As I grew up, I realized not everyone experiences relationships this way. There are ways to determine if people are emotionally safe, and it’s not as simple as what my sister and I had. We sometimes disappointed one another, but we always knew we’d be there for each other. We’d apologize and move on with our day. As we got older, our closeness faded as life and family responsibilities took over.

Over time, I learned that boundaries are where you end and the other person begins. I’ve also learned that very few relationships can remain emotionally safe without clear boundaries. Relationships can be complicated, messy, disappointing, and even hurtful. Deciding whether a relationship is worth saving can also be complicated.

If every relationship ends the moment we’re hurt, we miss sacred opportunities for repair — moments that can deepen our connections and help us grow. But if we move forward in a relationship after being hurt without establishing boundaries, there’s a good chance the dynamics won’t change — setting us up for more pain.

The only way to move forward after hurt, disappointment, or betrayal is to first assess whether the relationship holds qualities that make it worth saving. If you decide it is, understand that it may not feel the same. The relationship will need to be redefined around what makes you feel safe and comfortable. What once felt easy may now take more effort, and there may be tension or uncertainty. The emotional tone of the relationship will likely shift.

I’ve often wondered why it’s so hard for some people to set boundaries. I believe it’s because, as humans, we fear disconnection. We are wired for connection — both vertically and horizontally.

Even the earth has boundaries: the sun, the sky, the moon, the ocean, the sand, the land. Each has a limit so the other can begin. As they dwell in their rightful places, they create something breathtaking — a masterful landscape. The sky doesn’t say, “I’m afraid the ocean will take over,” and the ocean doesn’t say, “I’m afraid the sand will leave me out.” Each element exists harmoniously, with no intrusive crossing of the other. The beauty lies in where one stops and the other begins.

Setting personal boundaries, however, is rarely as effortless as the sea meeting the sky. People often struggle to express what they need or what makes them comfortable. Many have already stretched themselves beyond their healthy capacity. Finding the language to state a boundary — and to follow it with a consequence or request — can be difficult.

Here’s a process to help you start:

1. Write out what the boundary is.
   Example: When I feel unheard in this relationship, I will let you know. I request that you slow down and listen. If that doesn’t happen, I’ll end the conversation and ask that we revisit it when you’re ready to listen.
   This statement includes the boundary, a request, and a consequence.

2. Remember, the purpose of a boundary is not to fix the other person, but to ensure you’re treated the way you deserve.

3. Boundaries help you avoid repeating unhealthy relationship patterns.

4. Boundaries build a bridge of safety, not a wall of disconnection.

5. Boundaries allow you to be authentic about who you are.

6. Boundaries give you a plan for handling unhealthy behavior you didn’t create.

Boundaries — we need them for good, safe, healthy relationships. Let’s get busy practicing them.

The F Word and Other Difficult Steps in Recovering from Betrayal Trauma

The F Word and Other Difficult Steps in Recovering from Betrayal Trauma

“Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future.”
— Paul Boose

When it comes to the “F Word,” most of us have heard the same phrases repeated over and over:

1.     If you have forgiven, you have forgotten.

2.     If you don’t forgive, you can’t be forgiven.

3.     You are a broken person if you don’t forgive.

4.     If you love, you will forgive.

5.     Forgiving means you trust again.

6.     Forgiving means you never bring it up again.

7.     Forgiving means things go back to the way they were.

8.     Forgiving isn’t necessary when you’ve been deeply hurt.

9.     Forgiveness only happens when you are willing to let go of the hurt.

10.   Forgiveness is simply deciding not to hold a grudge.

I could go on. Yes—the “F Word” I’m talking about is Forgiveness.

Forgiveness and Betrayal Trauma

One of the most common questions I hear—sometimes in the first session, near the last—is: What role does forgiveness play in healing from betrayal trauma?

Most betrayed partners long to be free from the heavy weight of anger, sadness, and intrusive thoughts. They want their lives, minds, and bodies to move forward. But the process of forgiveness is rarely quick or simple.

The REACH Model of Forgiveness

Everett Worthington’s REACH model outlines five steps:

1.     Recall the hurt.

2.     Empathize with the offender.

3.     Give the Altruistic gift of forgiveness.

4.     Commit to forgive.

5.     Hold on to that commitment, even during doubt.

One of the strengths of this model is the acknowledgment that emotions don’t always follow immediately after the decision to forgive. You might choose to forgive and still wake up feeling hurt the next day. The commitment to forgive is a process, allowing your emotions to gradually align with your decision.

This helps avoid what I call “cheap forgiveness”—rushing into forgiveness just to escape pain, live in denial, or out of a sense of spiritual guilt.

Timing Matters

You cannot truly begin the work of forgiveness until you fully understand the hurt and the damage caused. This means examining the betrayal’s impact through a formal disclosure process or by telling your narrative of how it has affected every area of your life.

This is not a quick task. As you reflect, you may uncover both primary and secondary losses, shifts in your values, and changes in how you view relationships. There is no time clock—you move at your own pace, at the capacity your emotions can handle.

The Challenge of Empathy

Empathizing with the person who betrayed you can take years, even a lifetime. Over time, many come to see that the betrayal was not truly about them, but about the brokenness, poor choices, and unhealed wounds of the other person.

Hearing about their life—if possible—can be helpful, but it is not always necessary. Understanding that we all have stories we wish were different can be part of the humanizing process, if and when you are ready.

Forgiveness and Your Body

Forgiveness is also a gift to your body. As stewards of our health, we must understand how holding on to grudges, bitterness, and resentment can harm us.

Research from Dr. Karen Swartz at Johns Hopkins shows that chronic anger activates the body’s fight-or-flight mode, raising heart rate and blood pressure, lowering immune function, and increasing risks for depression, heart disease, and diabetes. Forgiveness, on the other hand, calms the stress response and supports overall health.

In other words, forgiving can be an act of self-care and physical healing.

Commitment and Repeated Hurt

Making a commitment to forgive—and holding onto it—is especially challenging when betrayal happens repeatedly. In these cases, I encourage slowing down the process and doing an emotional inventory of the additional harm.

Rebuilding trust may feel impossible, and you may question both the character of the betrayer and your own identity for staying in the relationship. Whether you choose to leave or stay, forgiveness remains about you, not the person who hurt you.

The Freedom in Forgiveness

That’s why “The F Word” is so difficult—it transforms you. It releases you from one of the most devastating chapters of your life and opens the door to peace, freedom, and your best self.

You deserve to be free. You deserve to be healthy. You deserve peace.

https://youtu.be/h43w2ifIxjw?si=cKBMQYfW_edEl__E

THE COST OF HEALING

THE COUPLE AND FAMILY CLINIC

977 LAKEVIEW PKWY, SUITE 103

VERNON HILLS, IL   60061

(224) 513-5628

THE COST OF HEALING

“Grief will cause your hopes to be handcuffed.”

Rev. Dr. Freddie Haynes

Our culture does not offer us robust rituals for passage. We are often left to navigate transitions alone, without guidance or ceremony to mark the thresholds of our lives. But what is true—what is deeply human—is that passage is transition. It is the movement from what was into what will be. Yet, it is not merely a shift from past to future—it is a movement through the present, a space that is neither here nor there.

This in-between, this moment of now, often holds pain, sorrow, regret, and chaos. It is the space of grief.

Grief is not the past; it is not the future. It is like midnight—neither yesterday nor tomorrow, but simply the moment between. Midnight does not belong to the day before, and it does not yet carry the shape of the day to come. It is a moment of pause, of silence, of potential.

So, too, is grief. It is the sacred pause between what was and what is becoming.

In grief, we begin the journey of transition. And the first step in the new day—after the stillness of midnight—is to make meaning. To name what has been lost. To recognize what has changed. To hold space for what was never said. And to ask ourselves: What is my response to this loss?

Meaning does not arise from forgetting. It grows from the soil of remembrance, of reflection, of choosing how we will live in light of what has changed. Only then can we take the next steps forward—steps that lead us not just into the future, but into a life reshaped by love, loss, and meaning.

As you navigate loss, you will identify what can be reshaped by love and apply meaning.  You will review what can’t be reclaim and mourn that loss.  With each identified loss, you will notice that you have a choice, to hold space for what was never said, or to reshape the loss by learning and loving and then apply meaning.  (The Cost of Healing, Dr. Peonita Harris).

Recommended Reading for Healthy Sexuality

Why Moral Injury Is Important to Address in Recovery from Affairs/Betrayal

In consulting ChatGPT, Moral injury refers to the psychological, emotional, and spiritual distress that occurs when a person believes they have violated their moral code or witnessed actions that conflict with their ethical values. This concept is commonly associated with military personnel, healthcare workers, and others in high-stress professions who face situations where they must make difficult decisions that conflict with their sense of right and wrong. (AI definition)

Moral injury is different from post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), though the two often overlap. PTSD is usually associated with physical or psychological trauma, such as combat exposure or a violent event, while moral injury is rooted in the violation of moral beliefs, often leading to feelings of guilt, shame, and betrayal of the self.

In light of the psychological, emotional, attachment, and sexual injuries of traumatic betrayal, Moral Injury can also be a phase for recovery.  There are occasions when the betrayer’s feelings of shame and guilt are connected with the act of betrayal they have caused that violated their values and spiritual beliefs, as well as the pain they see in their hurting partner.

Key Aspects of Moral Injury:

1. Violation of Moral Beliefs: Moral injury typically involves an individual either acting in a way that contradicts their values or witnessing others (e.g., leaders, peers, or institutions) do so.

2. Moral Dissonance: The emotional and psychological conflict arises because individuals feel they have done something wrong or failed to act in alignment with their values, often leading to a deep sense of inner turmoil.

3. Impact on Identity: Moral injury can significantly affect a person's sense of self, leading to a loss of trust in oneself and others. It can also challenge one's worldview and belief in the inherent goodness of people or institutions.

4. Emotional Consequences: Individuals suffering from moral injury may experience feelings of guilt, shame, anger, anxiety, sadness, and a sense of hopelessness. It can lead to emotional numbing or a desire to withdraw from social relationships.

5. Social and Spiritual Effects: The effects of moral injury are not just personal but can extend to relationships with others, including a sense of betrayal or loss of trust in institutions. For some, moral injury can challenge or disrupt their spiritual beliefs.

6. Low Mood – The impact of processing the disappointment of the self in connection with poor decision-making can initiate a course of negative distortion of the self and low feelings surrounding self-concept.

7. Heightened Anxiety – The inability to regulate as the self-distortion and negative ruminating thinking about self continues to be present, anxiety can present as speaking fast, feeling edgy, contradicting oneself and being flooded with emotions.

8. Identity Confusion – Because Moral Injury challenges the person to review their values and behaviors, the thoughts of “who am I”; “I wasn’t raised to hurt others”: “Does this mean that I am a bad person, or did I do something bad” continues to be at the heart of the feelings of profound shame.

Healing and Treatment:

The treatment of Moral Injury often requires a specific multi-dynamic approach that may include:

1. Therapy: Trauma-focused therapy, a narrative approach, and EMDR.  Narrative Therapy can help individuals process their emotions, reconcile their actions with their values, and rebuild a sense of moral clarity.

2. Emotional Focus Therapy:  Addressing the lack of language for the emotion in the room and finding alliance with the person’s values or between the couple’s values to begin the healing in the core attachment.

3. Carnes 30 Task Model:  Addresses the systemic, behavioral, and cognitive approach to reducing unwanted and compulsive sexual behaviors that cause betrayal in intimate relationships. 

4. Peer Support: Group therapy or support groups, where individuals share their experiences of moral injury and find solidarity with others who understand their pain, can be deeply healing.

5. Spiritual or Religious Support: For some, reconnecting with spiritual practices or a religious community can help them restore their sense of meaning, forgiveness, and reconciliation with their spiritual values.

6. Forgiveness and Self-Compassion: Learning to forgive oneself and, where appropriate, others is a crucial aspect of healing. Practices focused on self-compassion and acceptance of one's humanity, including mindfulness, can be helpful.

7. A psychodynamic approach is one where you look at underlining the unconscious meaning of the person’s behaviors and thoughts, as well as how their lived experience and family of origin connect.

Conclusion:

Moral injury is a profound personal psychological injury that can impact one’s sense of self, relationships, self-esteem, confidence, and overall well-being of how they present in relationships and the process at which they embrace healing.  Addressing Moral Injury related to betrayal in a relationship is critical to assist the person as they advance in the healing process.