Another Goodbye
Grief and Many Goodbyes
“The reality is that you will grieve forever … You will be whole again, but you will never be the same.” (Elisabeth Kubler-Ross)
Saying goodbye after a major loss is difficult and is not only a single event, but a long series of small, painful realizations. The letting go of a person, a shared future, hope, dreams, and a version of yourself. The word “Goodbye” famously originated in the 16th century as a contraction of the phrase “God be with you.”
Small experiences can bring back a memory that was once shared with joy and love. In the moment of the re-occurring memory, it can feel the opposite of God being with you.
Here are the different types of goodbyes experienced during grief:
The Physical Goodbye
The final moment: The actual passing or the funeral service.
The environment: Packing up their clothes and personal belongings.
The home: Leaving a space that you shared.
The Everyday Goodbyes
The routine: Stopping yourself from calling them with daily news.
The empty chair: Facing the dinner table or living room without them.
The habits: No longer buying their favorite groceries. Streaming your favorite show without them.
The Goodbyes to the Future
The milestones: Missing them at weddings, graduations, or birthdays.
The unwritten plans: Letting go of retirement dreams or trips.
The shared timeline: Moving into a future they will never see, or experience.
The Internal Goodbye
The old self: Mourning the person you were when they were alive.
The shared identity: Adjusting to being a "me" instead of an "us."
The memory fade: Fearing the loss of the sound of their voice.
Grief does not follow a straight line, and these goodbyes often happen out of order. There is no ideal time to grieve. My prayer is that when grief happens, emotional space is made to sit and reflect on feelings, needs, and memories.
The moments of grief will shift over time in the following ways:
The Waves lose the Element of Surprise
The ambush: Early on, grief strikes without warning, knocking you off balance completely.
The anticipation: Over time, you begin to recognize the emotional triggers before they hit because the feelings are familiar.
The accommodation: You learn to brace yourself, ride out the wave safely, and make space to process the emotion.
The Waves Become Predictable in Length
The endless tunnel: In the beginning, a single moment of grief feels like a permanent state, but it does pass.
The defined wave: Eventually, you realize the intense pain lasts for minutes or hours, not forever.
The return to shore: You learn to trust that the crash will subside and calm will return.
The Waves Shift from Pain to Reflection
The sharp edge: Early moments are defined by shock, rage, and agonizing confusion.
The dull ache: Later moments give way to sadness, longing, and a quiet acceptance of what was.
The integration: The memory and the betrayal stop fighting for control of your mind.
The Waves Create Emotional Resilience
The shattering: Each early wave feels like it will break you permanently.
The stretching: Each surviving wave proves you can hold immense pain and still survive.
The rebuilding: You slowly expand your capacity to experience joy alongside the grief.
If you are experiencing a wave of grief, try these regulation skills:
These emotional regulation skills are not meant to cure the grief, but to act as a release valve so the intensity doesn't overwhelm your nervous system.
Somatic & Grounding Skills (For Shock and Panic)
The 5-4-3-2-1 Method: Name 5 things you see, 4 you can touch, 3 you hear, 2 you smell, and 1 you taste to pull your brain out of the past and into the room.
Temperature Shift: Splash cold water on your face or hold an ice cube in your hand. This triggers the mammalian dive reflex, instantly slowing down a racing heart.
The Physiological Sigh: Take two quick inhales through the nose (one deep, followed immediately by a sharp top-off inhale), then a long, slow exhale through the mouth. Repeat three times to calm the nervous system.
Sensory Deprivation: Turn off the lights, use earplugs, and minimize external stimuli for 30 minutes. Grief processes heavy cognitive loads; your brain needs rest from processing the outside world.
Weighted Pressure: Lie on the floor with a weighted blanket or a heavy pillow on your chest. Deep pressure therapy reduces autonomic arousal.
Titration: Permit yourself to feel the grief intensely for 10 minutes, and then actively force a distraction (like a mindless television show or a mobile game) for 20 minutes. Moving back and forth prevents emotional flooding.
Grieving never ends, but each moment of grief eventually changes its shape. While the loss itself is permanent, the intense, suffocating pain of each wave will eventually peak, recede, and give you room to breathe again. Breathe in joy, Breathe in strength, Breathe in Hope. God is with you!
Touch Deprivation: The Silent Ache of Human Disconnection
Touch is one of the first languages we ever learn. Before words, before understanding, before memory itself, we are soothed by being held. A hand on the back, a warm embrace, fingers intertwined, a forehead kissed in tenderness—human touch communicates safety, belonging, comfort, and love in ways language often cannot.
Yet many people quietly live in a state of touch deprivation.
Touch deprivation, sometimes called skin hunger (Helen Colton, 1983), occurs when a person experiences an ongoing lack of healthy, nurturing physical contact, something as necessary to emotional well-being as food and water are to physical survival. While it may seem minor to some, the absence of touch can deeply affect emotional, mental, relational, intimate, and even physical health. Human beings were not created to live emotionally disconnected lives. We are wired for attachment, affection, intimacy, and closeness.
Touch deprivation is not limited to people who are alone. A person can be married, surrounded by family, highly successful, socially active, and still ache from the absence of meaningful touch. There are individuals who have not been lovingly embraced in years, despite sharing homes, responsibilities, and routines with others. These individuals often do life together well; the bills may be paid, the appointments kept, and the responsibilities managed, yet their hearts quietly ache for something more. Emotional distance often creates physical distance.
For some, touch deprivation develops after betrayal, divorce, grief, abandonment, or trauma. Others experience it in emotionally disconnected relationships where affection slowly disappears over time. At times, couples experience an emotional mismatch in their desire for closeness. One partner may require little physical touch and value personal space, while the other thrives on affection, touch, and physical proximity as a way of feeling loved and secure. Some grew up in environments where touch was withheld, inconsistent, unsafe, or associated with manipulation rather than comfort. As adults, they may long for closeness while simultaneously fearing it.
The effects of touch deprivation can be subtle or profound. People may experience:
loneliness and sadness
anxiety or emotional numbness
increased stress
sleep difficulties
irritability
feelings of rejection
difficulty trusting others
or a deep sense of emptiness that is difficult to explain
Sometimes the deprivation becomes so normalized that people stop recognizing what they are missing. They adapt to surviving without affection while their hearts quietly continue longing for connection.
Healthy touch has the power to regulate the nervous system. Research has shown that nurturing physical contact can reduce stress hormones, lower blood pressure, increase feelings of safety, and strengthen emotional bonds. A gentle touch often communicates, “You are not alone,” more effectively than a hundred carefully chosen words.
However, touch deprivation is not simply about physical contact—it is about emotional safety within contact. Not all touch heals. Touch without trust, tenderness, or emotional presence can leave a person feeling even more disconnected. Human beings do not merely need contact; they need compassionate connection.
In relationships, touch often reflects the emotional climate or landscape between two people. When unresolved resentment, betrayal, shame, fear, or emotional exhaustion builds, affection frequently fades first. Couples may continue functioning as partners in responsibility while slowly becoming strangers in intimacy. The absence of touch then becomes both a symptom and a reinforcement of emotional disconnection. In intimate betrayal, touch becomes confusing. You can no longer trust that the touch is real, safe, or has honest intentions.
Healing touch deprivation begins with recognizing the need without shame. Longing for affection is not weakness, dependency, or immaturity. It is part of being human. A healthy touch reminds us that we are seen, valued, comforted, and emotionally held.
Healing may involve rebuilding emotional safety in relationships, seeking therapy to address attachment wounds or trauma, learning to receive affection without fear, or cultivating safe and nurturing forms of connection. Sometimes healing begins with something as simple as admitting: “I miss being held.” If human contact is limited, here are some self-soothing, healthy practices that can help:
Stimulate the skin’s pressure receptors to encourage the release of oxytocin. Effective strategies include cuddling with pets, engaging in deep-pressure stimulation (such as using a weighted blanket), practicing gentle self-massage, and taking warm baths or showers.
The sensation of being held and the calming effects of physical comfort can be supported through the following accessible practices:
Deep-Pressure Stimulation: Use a weighted blanket to recreate the comforting sensation of a firm embrace, which may help reduce physiological stress and promote relaxation.
Self-Soothing Touch: Practice gentle self-comforting techniques, such as giving yourself a light hug or applying lotion to your shoulders, neck, and arms with slow, intentional movements.
Brushing: Use a soft-bristled brush or another soft-textured object to apply firm, gentle strokes across the skin, which may help stimulate nerve endings, release serotonin, and promote a sense of calm and well-being.:
In a world that is more connected than ever through technology, yet often starved for genuine connection, touch remains sacred. A warm embrace, a hand gently held, or the quiet comfort of closeness reminds us that the human heart was never meant to survive without tenderness. Whether given freely by a loved one, a trusted friend, or within a safe and caring relationship, healthy touch has the power to soothe, restore, and reconnect us to ourselves and one another. Perhaps one of the greatest gifts we can offer is our presence—expressed not only through words, but through the simple, healing language of compassionate touch.
