Lions and Tigers and Bears, Oh My!!
(Staying out of the “woods” and leaning into validation, empathy, and connection)
When communication goes wrong, it can feel overwhelming, disconnecting, frustrating, and sad. I see this often in couples who know each other well and quickly leap to negative assumptions about the other’s intent. They have lived experiences of where their partner has both failed and succeeded in the relationship. Often, the moments of perceived success feel fewer than the moments of perceived negativity.
Couples are able to point out flaws, difficult conversations, and times when empathy was not expressed or shared. I refer to these moments as being in the woods.
When a couple is in the woods, I encourage them to reflect on a few questions: Are they doing their best to stay out of conflict? What is being left out of the conversation that could help resolve it? Are they willing to resolve the conflict in order to keep the “we” intact? Most couples become curious about the “we” and, through that curiosity, become more willing to practice tools for repair.
First (the Lion), I ask: Are you communicating about the intended topic? Most of the time, when couples find themselves in the woods, they are not. Instead, the conversation is often rooted in old feelings of resentment, usually tied to unmet attachment needs. These needs may sound like: You don’t value me. You don’t hear me. I don’t feel loved by you. You don’t understand me. I’m not sure I know who you are.
These are valid concerns, and many people carry them for years before expressing them.
Another common issue is dichotomous thinking—viewing the conflict as you versus me. This singular thinking prioritizes individual needs over relational needs. Being in a committed relationship requires care, compassion, thoughtfulness, and sometimes sacrifice. However, sacrifice should not feel like being dragged into a decision you don’t want to make. When sacrifice is connected to the betterment of the “we,” it should feel worth it.
As defined: “Sacrifice – an act of giving up something valued for the sake of something else regarded as more important or worthy.”
AI nailed this one.
This is the Tiger. Dichotomous thinking separates couples. Continually choosing the self sends a message—often unintentionally—that the other partner, and the relationship, are less important or not worth the sacrifice. Our culture often encourages the idea that if something makes you happy, you should say it, do it, and live it. While happiness matters, this value does not always account for the expectations of a committed relationship, where kindness, compassion, thoughtfulness, and care are essential.
Choosing personal happiness at the expense of the relationship will eventually decrease connection. Should you be happy? Yes. Should you also be kind, caring, compassionate, and thoughtful? Yes.
The relationship should bring joy, which is deeper than happiness. The goal must be bigger than the self and connected to something greater. This requires validating one another’s experiences and becoming aware of your own emotions so you can attune to your partner’s emotions. This awareness lessens emotional intensity, supports self-regulation, and allows for co-regulation—making compromise possible.
This is the Bear. The Gottman’s refer to this as negative sentiment override (NSO). NSO is a relational pattern in which negative feelings and past distorted experiences shape how current behaviors are interpreted. Even positive actions are perceived negatively, creating a cycle that makes it difficult to access positive perceptions of the partner and the relationship.
To move out of NSO, both partners must recognize the pattern and develop self-awareness with positive intentionality. This includes openness to influence and a willingness to move away from judgment. Trust can be rebuilt when partners intentionally highlight positive intent while continuing to show up authentically and consistently.
Slowing communication—pausing, reflecting, and assigning positive rather than negative intent—makes validation and empathy more accessible. Over time, the sting of poor communication lessens, and the desire for connection grows.
Staying out of the woods must be intentional as you navigate your intimate relationship. This can feel challenging at times, but it’s also rewarding.
